girls were never meant to chase guys.

it's almost the end of the term again. this sem has positively flown away. it's kinda upsetting. kinda scary.

thanks sam for being there when i needed someone to just BE there. thanks for listening even when i didnt say anything cuz sometimes all you need is just knowing someone is there for you, just knowing that someone knows you're hurting.

I woke up from a strange rain
And it was dreaming outside
I rolled over for the telephone
I thought I'd call someone

Tell them I dreamed I had died
But I know that I was all alone

I just get lonely sometimes
I want someone to take away my grief
I just get lonely sometimes
I want to wake up in the morning with someone
Lying next to me who I can turn to for relief

I just get lonely sometimes
But I know I just need You

I probably slept in a bed of bitterness
That's why I woke up this way
That's probably why I'm in this lonesome hole
I probably got to needing everything
And needing it today
That's probably why I play this lonely role

But I know I just need You

we look at things the way we want to see it don't we? we fit things around and manipulate things to fit what we want to think, what we want to believe. to fit to our perceptions, the lattices we have built up in our minds for these things. because everything is subjective. everything is subject to personal opinion. correct until proven wrong, that is. but it's how we are built you see. and it's how we so often make mistakes. because we don't see the truth. we are too busy deceiving ourselves. the truth is only the lie we choose to believe. the truth is whichever lie we choose to believe. so.. what truth? what is truth when put into perspective? what if you didn't know the answer to a question and came up with two opposing hypothesis, how would you know which is the correct one? and when results prove that the first hypothesis was correct, how do you know that is the real explanation for it? couldn't it have been something else? something out of this world that you could never have thought of, much less explain? what makes us think we're all so intelligent that we can explain everything? what makes us think that it couldn't be an alternative explanation? everything can be explained. yea. so in science you do experiments to prove other hypothesis wrong, to prove other people correct. but just like in court, innocent until proven guilty, they are all only correct til proven wrong. what happens then if one day everything you've ever known, everything you've ever thought you knew comes apart and you find that whatever you based your beliefs on were not true? what happens then? could you carry on? knowing that you lived... not a lie exactly, but not the truth anymore. is truth important? is it the foundation, the basis of everything? what then is truth if it is relative? how can you have relative truth? it's supposed to be absolute isn't it? yet how can something so uncertain be absolute? and if truth is not important, why do we go on seeking it at all cost? why do we chase after it when clearly, sometimes, there is no truth and alot of times we don't know what truth is and many other times, the lines are so blurred it could go either way. and for that matter.. what are facts?? thoughts going around like a carousel, around and around and around.. only this carousel doesn't ever stop turning.

-edit-
oh remember what i said before about love? i change my definition: love is, knowing it might hurt sometimes, or knowing it's going to hurt sometime, but yet still be willing to go ahead and try your best to make it work. to not be afraid the possibility of pain.

i miss you

i miss your name on my handphone screen, i miss seeing 'alvin tang' on my msn contact list when i search for people to talk to. i miss you making me laugh. i miss you being irritating. i miss you telling me you love me. i miss you saying sorry for everything and anything even though its not your fault. i miss you making fun of me. i miss you glancing at me. i miss watching you concentrate hard on something. i miss looking at you. i miss seeing you bend and write down something in your kindergarden handwriting that i like. i miss telling you to sto rubbing your eye when it hurts. i miss messing around and playing like kids when we're bored of studying. i miss seeing your sleep. i miss hearing your voice smelling your smell. i miss knowing that you will be there forever and for always. i'm so scared. please dont give up on me. i didnt mean it. i didnt. honestly.

i've evolved into that girl i never thought i'll be. that girl who puts her boyfriend above everything else. that girl who is a jealous mass of nerves sometimes. i never thought i'll act this way. looking at vivien sometimes with shirlaine or sam with yuhan, i never thought i would one day be the same as her. but i am now. and i know why now. i get it. now. sometimes i feel like i'm yuhan in the sam and yuhan relationship. it feels that way sometimes, like i'm the one who's clingy and possessive and obsessive. i'm scared this will put him off. i love alvin.

I really love my boyfriend.

sometimes there are no words to describe it. it just is.

tell me why there is a need for some to report exactly where they are and what they are doing in their personal messages on msn? is there really a need for us to know that you're webcasting in the science library???

hmmm that was catty.. but i'm swamped with work and i need to vent, so forgive me haha. cuz msn is as good a punching bag as any. =)

vivien, i know what love is.

love is.. knowing it's going to hurt, but still keeping on coming back for more.

and here's what i got from a sappy book i was reading:

... because true love isn't about sheet music or embossed invitations or lace. it isnt about the size of your bridal party or the expensiveness of the food. true love is what you find when you aren't expecting it. true love is taking the risk that it wont be a happily ever after. true love is joining hands with the man who loves you for who you are and saying, 'i'm not afraid to believe in you.'

a love like that that has legs. a love like that will survive most anything....

they say it like it happens at first sight, like it's a flash of lightning, suddenly lighting everything up with clarity. they say it like it's the work of cupid's arrow, that you can love someone for no rhyme or reason. they say it like it's all bliss and no heartache, like the rest of the world ceases to exist just because you're in love.

but it isn't. they are wrong. it's not a coup de foudre. it's a silent knowledge that you have. it isnt dramatic and big and all encompassing, but you know it within you all the same. there is no doubt about it. you chance upon something, and it grows to become something important because you work on it, because you build it up bit by bit as you go through stuff together. you love someone for every reason there is to give in the world, not for no reason. when you love someone, the rest of your world remains normal. you still encounter the crap, it doesnt go away just because you're in love. bad things don't just stop happening because you're in love. but at least you know, at the end of the day, there's someone to return home to, someone to depend on. and it makes you feel just a little better, just a little stronger. that someone encourages you like noone ever has before, he stands by you even when you make a bad choice, he picks you up when you fall, he doesnt shoot you down, but he doesnt let you make mistakes, he tells you when he thinks you're wrong and helps you fix it up, he doesnt flatter you just cuz he thinks you'd like to hear it more than you'd like to be criticized. you gain a little confidence in yourself, in him, and feel like you can take on a little more of the nonsense that life has to throw at you. and that's all the difference in the world. you love that someone in a different way from the way you love your friends, but there is no rank. it's a different kind of love altogether and they coexist. there isn't any competition to see who comes out tops. there isn't a need to consider the judgements of others in the assessment of your own relationship, not if it is love. there isn't a fixed set of rules you must follow as to how long it takes for you to get together, to hold hands, to love each other. love is not measured by time. you cannot not love a person simply because you've known him for too short a time. and you can not love a person even if you've been together for aeons.

with you, i don't have to ask others for advice. not really anyway, not advice that i would really take into consideration because i know it in my heart that its real. with you there isnt any need to seperate the rest of my world quite so clearly. you blend and fit in just as i do into yours. with you i dont desire time away. i dont need to hide anything from you, i dont need my 'privacy'. everything's different with you, everything's new. i love you darling boy.

happy 4th. =)

Avril Lavigne - Naked

I wake up in the morning,
Put on my face.
The one thats gonna get me,
Through another day.
Doesnt really matter,
How I feel inside.
This life is like a game sometimes...

Then you came around me,
The walls just disappeared.
Nothing to surround me,
To keep me from my fears
Im unprotected
See how Ive opened up
Youve made me trust

Cuz Ive never felt like this before
Im naked...
around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I cant hide
Im naked...
around you
And it feels so right...

Im trying to remember
Why I was afraid
To be myself
And let the.....
covers fall away
Guess I never had
Someone like you
To help me fit
In my skin

Cuz Ive never felt like this before
Im naked
Around you
Does it show?
You see right through me
And I cant hide
Im naked
Around you
And it feels so right

your voice, is the soundtrack of my summer, and my every-other-season-there-is-to-name. :)