well... has been an eventful few days? i don't know how to exlain this feeling of 'lost-ness'. it's a bit like getting caught in the middle of a cross junction and all sorts of emotions are rushing at you like the cars do, and all you can do is stand stunned, not sure how to react, unable to move out of harm's way.

i guess it is not meant to be, slow as may be, there seems an air of hopelessness that try as i might, i can't find a way about. of course i'm glad things are the way they are, just that i guess it cant ever move out of the boundaries again. haha i need to say goodbye to that flame that flared for a little bit and work hard to quell it. clearly, we have very different ways of handling things, clearly there's nobody quite like me. and what i really need is someone just like me.

presentations were not good as we always had to compete with people who are above the average. but then again, maybe i need to wake up and start realizing that these people will always exist and maybe i need to become one of them. i need to work harder than ever before then to become the elite, because i cannot stand losing to them. jiayou amelia. =) i will not depend on other people for motivation, i will motivate myself because i cannot afford to lose motivation when i lose someone and we all know that we do you know, eventually lose people?

had a semi-serious talk with a friend. and it puts some stuff into perspective.

in a relationship, i guess both parties have to give and take. it's difficult though to achieve that balance? extremely difficult i would say. there will always be one party who is more insecure than the other. sometimes the tables turn and it's suddenly the other way around, but then, dont we all know that it's always the case? in econs, we know that for one country to have a trade surplus, another country must be suffering a trade deficit. isn't the underlying principle the same? in fact, isn't life so easily explained away. so simple to analyse. a healthy relationship should ideally have both parties completely at ease with one another and able to compromise and resolve issues. but really, is it that easy? both have to want to do it. when i give in to you because i want to, i'm happy to do so. but the more this happens, the more it becomes taken for granted. the more you will expect from me. and then my giving in becomes an obligation. when something i used to do out of my own free will becomes something i absolutely have to do, it becomes a chore, a burden. it becomes unfair. and so it goes. i couldn't ever take a situation like that i guess. it would scare me too much. the pressure of it all? i could implode from it.

but it's hard isn't it? to reach a middle ground?

i don't know. sometimes i think i want to wait. sometimes i think i couldn't bear to. sometimes i wonder what if things change, then what? sometimes i think i should take things slow, just as i said i wanted to, but sometimes emotions take no heed to what your heart says. then what should i do? it's a big fat knot of conflict. on one hand i want to love you, but i cannot because i know if i do it might end in tears, so i tell myself i cannot. but then, sometimes i think i truly might already do. then again sometimes, i think i never stopped, and other times i wonder if i honestly really do? yes i have thought about it in all these time, but it ended on such a note i thought it was all over, simply because i didn't think you cared. but maybe you do and i just didn't know it. your mind is totally unfathomable do you know? i never knew what you were thinking, and i don't know now. maybe it's best to give up while i'm still ahead. or maybe i've long fallen behind, but i just never knew. why can't i ever choose people who are simpler to like? anyhow, what do i know about love? nothing much really. i couldnt define it, i couldnt know if i've experienced it, if what i felt then was 'it', if what i feel now is 'it', i simply couldn't tell you.

alright. enough about that. =) tmr is evaluation!! let me pass please please.